Tuesday, April 16, 2013

But I don't wanna

Living a life on faith is not for the weak or faint of heart.
It is not easy.
In fact, it may be the hardest thing we are required to do.
Actually, I think I can safely say it is the hardest thing we will ever do.
Not just in this life, but in our whole existence.
This life is the test.
Are we going to trust that God has a plan for us or not?
Are we going to prove that we will be strong no matter what he throws our way?

As I mentioned, I have been feeling the need to be home more with the kids. We originally thought that we would be able to move to make up the difference in our income loss if I quit my job, but it looks like God is not only asking me to quit, but also asking us to stay in our home for now. Double whammy.

I gave my two weeks notice at work yesterday. I don't know how we are going to make it financially except to say that we have a year supply of wheat and I know how to make bread.

God is giving me an opportunity to master the finances. I am about to become even more frugal then I thought was possible.

That's putting it nicely.

What I really feel is what I said in my prayers last night.

"No God. I don't want to do this. I've already been poor. I'm sick of being poor. I trusted you last time when you told us to go to law school with three kids and then open a failed law practiced, and look where that got me. I don't want to do this. Why?"

And the answer comes: "Because you have more to learn."

and then

"And this time it's going to be easier and it's going to have a better ending. Just trust me."

But I don't wanna.

Last night, I closed my prayer in tears, not feeling any peace. Sick to death for Boston. And worried sick for the little girl that was abducted in Provo.

And then today, I made my depressed self get out of bed and pray again.

"Please God, just get me through today. Help me trust. Give me peace. Bless them all."

I head out on my run with a heavy heart.

And 2.5 miles in, my song comes on.

And I remember where I have to look for peace.

As I warm down, I get this news:

And God says
ever so humbly

"See I've got this Alice."


Anonymous said...

Trusting God is hard but you got this. You know how to do this.

We Are A Happy Family said...

Those moments trust areare terrifying excursions to start out on but such valued treasures in the end

Dr. Mom said...

I hope this in encouraging to you. My husband and I both had very intense jobs and three kids who spend a lot of time in childcare. A year ago we decided that I would leave my job and stay home with the kids. I am glad I did. I was concerned about the money as well. However, by not having to pay the many extras that me working entailed (childcare, housekeeping, constant transportation, etc.) and me pursuing gardening, coupon clipping, etc., we survived. As it turned out, the lost pay after all that was taken in consideration was returned to us at tax time because we fell into a lower tax bracket which was a awesome surprise and made me wish that I had left me job sooner!